I Thought We Were Speaking the Same Language
When I first began to understand my own ADHD, it felt like someone had handed me the instruction manual to a machine I had been trying to operate for forty years without any bloody instructions.
Suddenly, so many things made sense.
- Why I could hyperfocus for twelve hours on something fascinating and then completely forget to pay a bill.
- Why I could have ten tabs open in my brain before breakfast.
- Why I would walk through the house singing a soundtrack to my own life while simultaneously explaining to everyone exactly what I was doing.
And why my husband, who is self-diagnosed autistic, would look at me with what I can only describe as sensory horror.
Our family is gloriously neurodivergent. I am ADHD. My husband is (self diagnosed) autistic. Our daughter is autistic. Our son is ADHD.
Some of us like noise, some of us experience noise as a form of low-grade torture, some of us process our thoughts by speaking every single one of them out loud, some of us need silence before they can work out what they actually think.
Family dinner often looks less like a Norman Rockwell painting and more like a series of separate peace treaties negotiated across multiple rooms. And yet, beneath all of the sensory differences, executive functioning challenges and communication mishaps, there is enormous love.
That is what I want couples to understand, the problem is often not a lack of love, it is that two nervous systems are trying to build a life together using entirely different operating systems.
What Is Neurodivergence?
The term neurodivergence was coined by sociologist Judy Singer to describe natural variations in human brains. It is not a diagnosis.
It is a framework for understanding that some brains process information, emotion, sensory input and social interaction differently.
Neurodivergence can include:
- ADHD
- Autism
- Dyslexia
- Dyspraxia (Developmental Coordination Disorder)
- Dyscalculia
- Tourette syndrome
- OCD
- Bipolar disorder
- Intellectual disability
- Acquired brain differences
Many neurodivergent people also live with anxiety, trauma histories, sensory processing differences and chronic health conditions.
Neurodivergent psychologist Dr Megan Anna Neff describes neurodivergence as a difference, not a deficit. The goal is not to make people appear more “normal.” The goal is to understand what helps each brain function, connect and thrive.
Neurodivergence Does Not Look the Same in Everyone
- ADHD is not just being distracted.
- Autism is not just being literal.
- OCD is not just liking things tidy.
And many people do not fit neatly into one box.
It is common to see overlapping experiences such as:
- Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (a lived-experience concept commonly discussed in ADHD communities)
- Persistent Drive for Autonomy (an affirming reframing of what has historically been called Pathological Demand Avoidance)
- Sensory overwhelm
- Justice sensitivity
- Emotional intensity
- Executive functioning difficulties
- Hyperfocus
- Demand sensitivity
Dr Monique Mitchelson, an Australian neurodivergent psychologist, speaks beautifully about how many neurodivergent people have spent years feeling “too much” or “not enough” before discovering there was never anything wrong with them. Their brains were simply operating differently.
How Neurodivergence Shows Up in Relationships
This is where things get interesting, and by interesting, I mean occasionally hilarious and occasionally heartbreaking.
One partner says, “Can you do that thing when you get a chance?” The other hears, “This is an optional suggestion that may be completed sometime before the sun explodes.”
One partner says, “We need to talk.” The other experiences an immediate nervous system evacuation.
One partner is trying to process their feelings out loud, rapidly, with interpretive dance. The other needs forty-five minutes of silence, precise wording and perhaps a spreadsheet.
Neither is wrong, they are simply using different internal maps.
Literal Versus Implied Communication
Autistic individuals are often more likely to communicate directly and literally.
ADHDers may communicate in associative leaps, beginning with a grocery list and ending with childhood trauma and a song lyric from 1997. (who me??)
Neurotypical communication often relies on implication and social nuance and this can create chronic misunderstandings.
The autistic partner may be accused of being blunt, the ADHD partner may be described as scattered and the neurotypical partner may feel that they are dropping obvious hints that nobody seems to notice.
Devon Price, autistic psychologist and author of Unmasking Autism, writes extensively about the exhaustion that comes from trying to decode unwritten social rules.
Executive Functioning and the Myth of “If You Loved Me, You Would Remember”
Executive functioning refers to the brain’s ability to plan, organise, prioritise and initiate tasks. When these processes are impaired, important things can be forgotten. Appointments are missed, bins are not taken out, forms remain half-completed in mysterious piles.
This can be deeply frustrating for partners, and it can also be profoundly shame-inducing for the neurodivergent person.
For many neurodivergent people, forgetting is not evidence of indifference; it is evidence that the brain’s filing cabinet is currently on fire and/or never actually existed.
Sensory Differences
Sensory experiences shape relationships more than most couples realise. One partner may need background noise and movement, another may find the sound of chewing enough to trigger a complete nervous system revolt.
In our family, some of us process emotion by singing and dancing through the house.
Others would very much prefer it if we did not.
No one is trying to be difficult, we are each trying to regulate.
The Grief Before Understanding
Before neurodivergence is recognised, couples often create painful stories about each other.
- You don’t care.
- You’re too sensitive.
- You’re controlling.
- You’re lazy.
- You’re impossible to please.
- You’re overreacting.
The tragedy is that both people are often trying incredibly hard, they simply do not understand what is happening.
Late diagnosis can bring immense relief, it can also bring grief. Grief for differences, conflicts and misunderstandings that suddenly makes sense.
Grief for the younger self who tried so hard to fit into a world that was not built with their nervous system in mind. For the years spent feeling defective, for the blame and shame they experienced as children (Tracy could be exceptional if she just stopped being such a huge pain in the arse/ear/neck).
Neurodivergence Is Not an Excuse, and It Is Not a Character Flaw
Understanding neurodivergence should increase compassion, but it should not remove accountability.
Being autistic does not excuse consistent insensitivity. Having ADHD does not exempt someone from repairing for letting folks down.
At the same time, differences that are neurologically based should not be treated as moral failings. The goal is to understand what is intentional, what is automatic and what support is needed.
A more helpful question instead of asking, “Why are you like this?” Try asking: “What is happening in your nervous system right now?” That question changes everything.
Final Thoughts
If you and your partner have spent years feeling like you are speaking different languages, you may not be incompatible. You may simply be operating from different neurological blueprints.
Once you begin to understand those blueprints, what once felt like rejection can start to look like overwhelm. What once felt like avoidance can start to look like regulation. What once felt like chaos can start to make a surprising amount of sense.
Often love is not about finding someone who thinks exactly like you, it is about learning to build a translation guide together.
References and Further Reading
- Neff, M. A. (various writings and trainings on neurodiversity and relationships)
- Mitchelson, M. (Australian neurodivergent psychology resources)
- Price, D. (2022). Unmasking Autism.
- Singer, J. (1998). Early work on neurodiversity.
