Stories about Intimate partner violence (IPV) don’t always land perfectly when told through movies, but they can still open doors for important conversations. As a trauma therapist, childhood survivor of Domestic and family violence (DFV), and someone who works with individuals and couples facing relationship harm, I believe we need more space for these complex stories, even when they’re messy.
It Ends With Us: A conversation starter about Intimate Partner Violence
I recently watched It Ends With Us after weeks of online commentary – not just about the film’s plot, but also the real-life relationships behind the scenes and the Hollywood-style ending. And yes, I have thoughts.
As someone who lived through DFV and now supports others navigating trauma and relationship abuse, I believe stories have power. Whether told through books, film, or personal accounts, storytelling helps us understand what we’ve been taught to ignore – especially the painful, complicated aspects of abuse and recovery.
Was the portrayal of abuse in It Ends With Us realistic?
Short answer: not really.
- Was the portrayal of intimate partner violence too neat? Yes.
- Was the ending overly idealised? Definitely.
- But does it still hold value? I think so.
It Ends With Us offers a simplified yet powerful glimpse into the cycles of abuse and what it takes to break them. It may be softened for mainstream appeal, but for some viewers, it could be the first time they recognise something in their own story.
A therapist’s perspective on emotional abuse and healing
From a therapeutic lens, the heart of “ending it with us” is about attachment and safety. Healing from intimate partner violence often requires addressing deep attachment wounds, processing childhood trauma, and learning how safe, respectful relationships actually look and feel.
The film depicts some of this complexity. It shows how a person using controlling or abusive behaviour may themselves carry unresolved trauma. This does not excuse harm, but it adds context.
Survivors are never responsible for healing the person who hurt them. But in therapy, I work with people who have experienced harm and also caused harm. My job is to hold the whole story: the trauma, the patterns, the pain, and the hope for change.
That kind of nuance matters, especially in conversations about domestic abuse.
Why Lily’s story is the exception, not the rule
Lily was able to leave her abusive relationship because she had two major protective factors:
- Supportive community – She was believed, validated, and surrounded by people who offered emotional safety.
- Financial resources – She had economic freedom and housing options, allowing her to make decisions without relying on her partner.
For many survivors of DFV, those factors are not available. Leaving can be dangerous, complex, and drawn out. It is not always a clear path, and it rarely looks like the movies.
Want a more accurate portrayal of DFV? Watch The Maid
If you’re looking for a film that better reflects what intimate partner violence looks like in real life, watch The Maid. It captures:
- The slow erosion of self-worth
- The grip of financial and emotional control
- The confusion and exhaustion that follow emotional abuse
The Maid is raw and confronting. That is why it resonates with so many survivors. It reflects the lived experience far more than most screen portrayals.
What does abuse actually look like? It’s not always physical
One thing It Ends With Us does well is showing how abuse isn’t always visible. Psychological and emotional abuse can be just as damaging. Some common signs include:
- Isolation – Controlling who you see or where you go
- Blame shifting – Making you responsible for their anger or behaviour
- Walking on eggshells – Constantly second-guessing yourself
- Financial control – Restricting access to money or resources
- Undermining support – Turning you against friends or family
If this feels familiar, it might help to speak with a qualified DFV support service or therapist. These are not just relationship problems. These are signs of abuse.
The importance of reflection for survivors
Near the end of It Ends With Us, Lily looks back at earlier events and finally sees them for what they were. That shift from confusion to clarity is something many survivors of intimate partner violence describe.
Inside an abusive relationship, it is hard to see clearly. You might be manipulated, love-bombed, blamed, or gaslit. It is only after creating distance from the relationship that many people start connecting the dots.
Safe reflection is powerful. Support from trusted people and professional services makes that possible.
Support for survivors of Intimate Partner Violence
If you or someone you care about is living with abuse – emotional, physical, sexual, financial, or social – please know that support is available.
🧡 1800RESPECT – 24/7 support
🧡 Full Stop Australia – national sexual, domestic, and family violence service
🧡 Pop In Bowral – local community support
🧡 ACON – LGBTQ+ DFV support
🧡 Rosa Domestic Violence Service – Campbelltown
You deserve safety, support, and respect.
Final thoughts: what stories can do
Art does not fix intimate partner violence. But it can start something.
A question. A moment of recognition. The quiet courage to reach out for help.
It Ends With Us will not change the system. But if it helps someone feel seen, or take their first step toward healing, then it has offered something important.
Let’s keep telling the whole story. Let’s keep making space for the messy, human reality of abuse and recovery. And let’s keep working for a future where safety is the norm, not the exception.
Trace xx
