Maybe you and your partner(s) have been launched in to spending 24/7 together, maybe you are being forced to try out a long distance relationship? Maybe you are loving whatever the new norm is. If you are not, let’s talk about what you can do.
24/7 situation
Have you pivoted to:
- spending every minute of the day together
- working side by side
- eating every meal together
After a while, we all need a little alone time. Maybe you had never noticed before the way your partner always slurps their tea. Or maybe you are seeing them in work mode and that is a side you’ve never seen before? Same goes for the other way around, are you someone who needs privacy around your separate worlds and having to be in work mode around your partner is uncomfortable?
Have kids? Maybe the change in dynamics means parenting together is a struggle. Say one have you have always taken the reins in certain parenting situations (or all of them) and now you are both having to try to co parent.
Long Distance
Do one of you work in a different location? You may have different restrictions. This means that you are distanced at a time when we are feeling a particular level of emotional distress anyway. Maybe it is meaning one partner is left bearing the burden of parenting and home life?
Leaving one or both of you feeling:
- Isolated
- Lonely
- Disconnected
If you have never been great at talking on the phone together, you could be feeling you aren’t connecting at all.
If there was already a struggle in your relationship or marriage and you were both trying to ‘let sleeping dogs lie’ this will highlight the feelings. If you already felt disconnected in your marriage or relationship, or like you were always fighting, but you had your strategies in place to ensure you could manage the symptoms. Now, those strategies may be unable to work for whatever reason.
What can you do?
Firstly, be KIND to yourself and each other. Getting through this in one piece is a good goal. Don’t put pressure on yourself or your relationship to thrive, these are times when we are being asked to pivot our work, our home situation, maybe you are home schooling too…yikes!
Check in
If you are confused by what you want or need, listen to your body not your mind. Your mind is tricky and can talk you in, or out of things, your body (aka gut instinct) can be relied on. Ask if you (or your partner) need:
- Connection
- Fun
- emotional support
- space
then ask for some of that!!
Guess what? It’s fine if these are totally opposite to each other, you are allowed to want and need different things. Make sure you value and make space for each others needs.
Evaluate your space
If you are the 24/7 variety of couples, check how you are using your space, are you both trying to or side by side? Or if for one of you your work is more often the household and family affairs, and your partner is now working from home, are they ‘in your space’. Quarantine a particular space for yourself or for them. Is there a bedroom or other space that can be temporarily redefined as an office space during particular hours?
Or maybe it’s the sharing of the duties that has changed? More hands on co-parenting? Have a conversation about how you can structure things? Divvy up roles and responsibility
Check your connection
If you have found yourself in either enforced trialing of long distance or the 24/7 check how you are connecting.
For the LD couples
Be honest with each other that you are struggling with the lack of physical proximity. Ask each other what things feel comfortable when connecting? Do you prefer telephone to zoom/skype/Facetime? Are there particular times for you to connect that are better or worse during the day?
If talking is difficult for whatever reason, maybe write to each other? Yep, as in old fashioned love letter style! We are blessed to now have the ability to do this instantly through email or DM.
Maybe if connecting directly in anyway is tricky – think outside the square. Can you connect in other ways? Maybe ask each other to read the others favourite book? Or watch the others favourite TV show or movie. This could help you feel close to your partner or feel like you, or they, are gaining insight into their inner world.
For the 24/7’s
Are you spending all your time together so therefore not investing in quality time? Have a daily debrief. Carve out 30 minuets at the beginning or end of the day to check in. Ask what’s been a win or a challenge for each other (outside of the relationship)
Maybe organise a ‘date’ get outside and exercise together or go for a walk. Pretend you are at a restaurant and order in! You will also be supporting one of our local businesses, which we know they need! Here are some of our faves:
Highlands Restaurant, Royal Hotel Camden
Date Crate delivered to your door
Clementine Posy COVID Care Package
It’s okay to not be okay
Essentially, whilst lockdown can see some relationships thrive, a lot of us are experiencing emotional unrest and physical differences in our world, so recognizing that this may impact your relationship is okay. It doesn’t mean you need to evaluate your relationship if you are finding you are not getting on brilliantly at a tricky time.
But, yes it can potentially highlight the fact that there are ongoing or underlying issues you may need to face for your relationship to thrive. Ponder them, ask yourself what you want and need and share this with you partner asking them the same.
If you feel you would benefit from working this through with a couples counsellor, do that too. Remember when searching for a marriage counsellor, look for someone who has experience and training in offering marriage and relationship counselling.
Tracy Proud, Principal Psychotherapist, PACFA Clinical Counsellor, Gottman Lvl 2 trained Couples therapist
