How relationship therapy works
Have you ever found yourself wondering what actually happens at relationship therapy? Have you ever considered if it would be right for your relationship but been uncertain of what to expect?
As an experienced relationship therapist, I have worked with lots of people who are experiencing unrest or challenges in their marriage or relationship. I know that for a lot of them, there was apprehension before starting the process around what it would entail. I want to address some of those common concerns for you.
Common fears are:
- The therapist will take sides
- They will bring up my childhood/past relationships
- I might hear things I do not want to hear from or about my partner
- It will make things worse
- It will be weird sharing our intimate information with a stranger
- Relationship counselling is not for people like us or problems that we are facing
Firstly, having apprehension before coming to therapy is understandable, feeling nervous about the process, what may happen during and after the sessions is also, totally understandable. I can empathise with those fears because I have been on both sides of the room, sitting in the client chair and sitting in the therapist’s chair.
I remember my own concerns before embarking on couple’s therapy as a client and feeling worried about what it would mean for me and my relationship, how awkward it may be, and what we would talk about.The answers
“The therapist will take sides”
In this room, I can assure you there will be no judgement, as therapists we are trained to be unbiased and hold your relationship as the client. It is my job to ensure that you are both supported, empathized with, and heard.
“They will bring up my childhood/past relationships”
Yes, we will likely explore your childhood and previous relationships, but know that it will be done safe and respectful way. We need to do this, for us to understand how you learnt about love and relationship and what your past experiences have been that have shaped your approach and your view on romantic connection. This will help you and your partner understand your needs and expectations more clearly.
“I might hear things I do not want to hear from my partner”
You may hear things you do not want to hear from your partner, but if you are considering couples therapy, I am assuming things are not working well for you both right now. That you want things to be different? Only you can make the decision about if you are ready to explore fully what is happening for you both. I would encourage you to consider that, but know that in this space, you will both be supported through whatever difficult conversations there will be.
Part of the process is learning safe ways to communicate so whatever difficult conversations you have either had previously or how they have played out in your head they will be more structed and supported here in the therapy room.
“It will make things worse”
If there has been avoidance of what the underlying issues in the relationship are and you come to therapy and address them, it may feel like things are worse at times, but hopefully it will be mixed in with times of feeling more heard, feeling like you understand your partner better and that you are clearer on what you or both of you are needing.
Whether you want that is a personal choice that only you can answer. If you would prefer to leave things unsaid and that is working for you, then coming to therapy may take things in a direction that you don’t want it to go, so that’s important to acknowledge. Although, if you are reading this blog, you may be doing so because you feel that things aren’t working the way you want them to and understanding why and then making an informed decision may be worth considering.
“It will be weird sharing our intimate information with a stranger”
Yep, it is likely to feel a little strange at first, but I am practiced at this, and I work to help you feel comfortable. There is no judgement in this room, and I work to express that, so you feel able to open up. But yep, it is still a vulnerable place to be and you may feel apprehensive.
Know that we discuss things in a way that works for you and I will look for your lead as to what makes you feel comfortable in relation to language and content. I respect your boundaries. But there may be topics we discuss that you may not have discussed with anyone else, even your partner. I welcome a conversation about how we can make them safe for you to talk about and I will support you through it.
“I’m not sure couples counselling is for people like us or problems that we are facing”
Call us, or another therapist and talk to them about what you are facing and if therapy would be relevant. There are times when couples therapy may need to be paused or delayed, responding to an individual need of a person
For the most part, we can work with relationships of all styles facing most challenges. It could be that all you feel is required is some fine tuning or people who want to enhance an already positive relationship experience. Or we can work with couples in crisis who have experienced deep rooted challenges, betrayal, or traumatic experiences.
The dream
We choose a partner (or partners for our poly friends) to enhance our life, to provide deep connection to another person. We want our partners to support us, understand us, connect with us, desire us, have fun with us, share dreams with us. Sometimes, this stops happening and our relationship becomes more of a burden or a worry for us. If it is, and you want to understand it better and be able to express your needs and, where possible, have them met, then working on your relationship in therapy could be helpful.
You can always call our practice if you want to talk to me or one of our other wonderful therapists to or to book in.
