Our relationship seems hopeless, is it?

When can couples/marriage/relationship counselling work?

I have lots of couples say to me when they first reach out, “I think our problems are too big to be fixed” in reality, most of the time (not all but most) they don’t have to be if you don’t want them to be.  The real question is this, do you both want things to improve?

The areas that we focus on in therapy (my kind of therapy at least – the Gottman Method) are:

• Trust
• Commitment
• The friendship system
• Conflict
• Shared meaning
• Life dreams

There can be ruptures or challenges in any of these areas, or even many (sometimes all) but that doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship…IF, big IF, you don’t want it to be.

When is it NOT going to work?

Now, obviously there are times when relationship or marriage therapy may not be the best course of action.  Where abuse or active addition is present for example. But in the majority of cases, if you both have, even a whisper, of commitment to making improvements in the relationship then therapy can be a good option.

So therapy can work if someone has waning commitment to the relationship?

Yes.  Even the teeniest amount, because, what can happen is ruptures or injuries occur to the relationship, maybe ongoing arguments (conflict), maybe infidelity or other betrayals (trust), maybe parenting or financial differences (shared meaning), maybe emotional distance or not finding each other fun/interesting/attractive (the friendship system).  These issues over time can mean you feel less and less committed to the relationship.  You start to doubt why you are even trying anymore.

Now, the case may be that you want to separate and that may be the best course of action for you.  If that’s what you want deep down, then that’s what you do.  But, if you feel your commitment is waning because you have lost sight of the positive aspects of the relationship, lost your connection to each other and your ability to communicate, then all of that can be worked on in therapy.

It is up to you, you chose the relationship you want to have and if your partner also wants the same, it can be achieved.

Moving from locking horns to empathy and understanding

Gottman has found through their research that 69% of conflict between couples is around perpetual problems.  We are all raised differently, we all have our own unique dreams, fears and needs and therefore we are going to think and feel differently to our partner.  Compromise isn’t always an option.  What we can try to achieve is greater communication skills, more effective listening skills, empathy and compassion for our partner and their perspective. A deeper understanding of the WHY.  Why is this so important to them? Why does this frighten them? Why is this a ‘non-negotiable’ for them?

Therefore if we understand that 69% of the time, we are not going to agree, it highlights how important conflict management is, but most of the time we are not taught this.  In some cases, we had awesome role models who modelled how to have conflict, how to differ, respectfully and empathetically.  Most of the time though, we didn’t, and we need to learn that from somewhere.

(For further information on managing conflict in your relationship – check out Tracy’s previous blog https://nestcounselling.com.au/how-to-work-with-conflict-in-your-relationship/)

Hope

It can feel overwhelming and terrifying when we fear we may be losing the relationship we had dreamed of, maybe the one we used to have, or maybe it’s never been how you wished it would be.  Maybe you’ve always felt that you struggled to communicate effectively or to manage conflict.  Maybe trust issues started early on in the relationship.

Whatever is happening, if both partners (of their own free will) want it to work, and when I say this I am referring to the fact that one partner can’t ‘force’ the other to want something they simply don’t want. But, if both partners agree to exploring options for improving the relationship and both of you are willing to invest emotionally and practically in making changes then there is hope.

If you want to reach out to book an appointment of to find out more about how couples counselling could work for you call Tina on 0484 223 042

Does this sound like you?

• Waking up and jumping out of bed with 1 hour to get out the door and 3 hours’ worth of things to do before leaving the house
• Forgetting things; dates, appointments, your glasses, your bag … to give your children school lunches … again … oops and again (yep – my true story)
• Feeling that you haven’t gotten back to people or are letting people down
• Comparing yourself with your friend, neighbour, colleague etc. and asking yourself how they manage to “do it all”.

Do you ever find that you are saying “yes” when you want to say is “Hell No!” capital H and capital N? Maybe your boss asks if you can take on an extra task and you already feel like you are drowning in work, but instead of saying that you are too busy, you find yourself inexplicably nodding your head and saying “sure thing”. Do you then find that you walk away scratching your head as to how that happened? Or feeling angry that you are being put upon?

Or maybe you are a busy parent who recognises their need for self-care, and you carve out an afternoon to exercise or catch up with a friend or rest, but then find that you are constantly putting the needs of the rest of the family before your own and cancelling your other plans?

Being aware of our boundaries and enforcing them means we get to say “No”. It means we have a choice to teach someone how to treat us or to walk away when we need to.

What are boundaries and where do they come from?

Boundaries are rules by which you decide what you will and won’t accept. They are a rulebook for how we interact and behave toward ourselves and others. They will be what we refer to when we are formulating how we feel or act about what is happening. I recently read a beautiful and succinct quote on boundaries by Prentis Hemphill “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously”

Our boundaries come to be due to several factors:
• Personal experiences and needs
• Family of origin
• Cultural and social expectations
• Our attitudes, beliefs, morals and ethics

Like learning anything, it takes practice

Sometimes it may be a struggle enforcing them or even acknowledging them, we may be constrained by what we feel are our own expectations and ideas, or others, of what is acceptable. It may be that you feel you don’t know what you are okay with because you are not used to listening to yourself or giving yourself priority or permission.

And when you do have a clear idea of what you are willing to accept, you may struggle with feeling afraid of carrying that message through.

For example, you may feel that you know you want to RSVP no to a family event as you know you end up triggered every time you catch up with your Aunty Florence, because she either:

• misgenders you
• asks when you are going to have kids
• gives you unsolicited parenting advice (that’s one of my favourites!)

Although knowing this and understanding that you want to enforce a boundary by removing yourself from the situation, you may find that you feel you would upset others by not going and you choose to not enforce the boundary due to the social or cultural pressures of obligation.

The fall out

If you are not being clear with people about what your boundaries and needs are and following through on this, then you may find that you end up being treated in ways that you are uncomfortable with and be confused as to how or why this is happening.

You may also end up feeling like you have little control over how things are and finding that you are not happy with your relationships or your life in general. As I mentioned earlier, if this is happening, you could find that you often end up bemused as to how you have ended up in the situations you are in with too much on, or not enough for yourself, whether it’s resources, time or space.

Where to start?

Ask yourself, “what am I willing to accept, and what am I not?” that is the start. Having some awareness around it will be the beginning of you respecting and honouring your needs and boundaries. Because we can’t control others actions or behaviours, but we have full control over our responses to them.

So, when your boss asks you to attend another meeting for him, or your Aunty Flo invites you over for tea or you are about to cancel yoga so your kids can have a play date, ask yourself these 3 questions:

1. Will saying yes to this situation impact my needs being met?
2. What is the cost to me if my needs are not met?
3. Am I willing to accept the cost of this?

We get to choose what we accept and what we don’t and when we exercise following through on our boundaries, we are also modelling for other people how to do it. Being a teacher to those around us.

Then, we need to express those boundaries, start practicing the “no”. Uncomfortable and unusual as it may feel, practice makes better!

The falling in love part

We meet, we fall in love, we spend time loving, laughing and being with each other. We focus on our partner on their needs and desires and we are interested in them, we also find they do all those things for us. We feel connected and interested in each other.

The bit after that

For those who become parents, life changes dramatically, in turn meaning our relationship often changes too. With becoming parents our bond with our partner can deepen, we are ‘in this together’ can feel like our mantra.

Or, this happens:

• sleepless nights
• changes to our bodies
• changes to our emotional wellbeing
• changes to our routine
• changes to our bed being our own.

This can mean that there is less time to focus on each other (even on ourselves). When we have less time to focus on our relationship it can mean that our connection to each other can be impacted. When we feel less connected, we feel less intimate with each other. We may feel like we start to speak a different language.

What are boundaries and where do they come from?

Boundaries are rules by which you decide what you will and won’t accept. They are a rulebook for how we interact and behave toward ourselves and others. They will be what we refer to when we are formulating how we feel or act about what is happening. I recently read a beautiful and succinct quote on boundaries by Prentis Hemphill “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously”

Our boundaries come to be due to several factors:
• Personal experiences and needs
• Family of origin
• Cultural and social expectations
• Our attitudes, beliefs, morals and ethics

What happens now then?

Yes, your relationship will go through changes, some positive, some not so but remember that you were partners before you were parents, you fell in love for a reason.
Also know that there are ways that you can work on rebuilding your communication and connection so it can be even deeper than it was before.

Communication

When you do communicate, remember that when we speak about how we feel about a situation (using ‘I’ statements) and then we state our positive need, this is usually processed more effectively by our partners.

So instead of, “You never get up in the middle of the night with the kids” you could try “I feel exhausted/lonely/frustrated” when I am getting up with the kids at night (“I” statement) and I would love it if we could alternate nights (positive need)”.

Remember that just because you may feel less connected, or maybe feel you are not communicating as well as you used to, there are ways to reconnect and improve communication.

Connection

How to do this when you are exhausted, touched out or don’t have any help with the kids? Keep it as simple as you can:

• Have dinner together one night after the kids have gone to bed (maybe you leave the emails, laundry, etc.. whatever you would normally be doing after the kids are asleep).
• Email each other? Connect through the written word by writing a love letter, or even just a letter about your day?
• You could try to go to bed earlier and take a cup of tea/glass of wine and have a chat there
• You could go crazy and have a bubble bath together.

If you are able to organize a babysitter then …

Date night! Schedule in some time away from the house and kids and do something that you used to connect over. Maybe that’s sport or nature or a night out at a local bar, whatever your things is/was.

If you feel you may need to work more deeply on your relationship, you can always reach out and make an appointment with me

Conflict, having a blue, screaming match, arguing, respectfully disagreeing, and so on and so on…there are lots of ways with which we engage in and describe the manner with which we engage in conflict.

When we engage within conflict in our relationship, we can often view this as a negative and we may pass a judgement.  We may wish that we both agreed all the time or that we could agree to disagree respectfully and peacefully. Truth is, all couples have conflict, it is how we manage that conflict that is an indicator of how healthy our approach is.

You say Tomayto and I say Tamarto

The fact that we are in a relationship with another individual who was raised by different people and has different hopes and dreams, means that there will be times when we don’t see eye to eye. We will have a different perspective on something and potentially wish for a different outcome to our partner. It is how we communicate this and how we hear this that will be key.

To Fight or not to Fight, that is the question!

Learning to dialogue respectfully is something you can learn, if you don’t already do this.  Listening and communicating clearly are key. The art of listening, truly and deeply with the intent to understand is a significant part of the process in managing conflict in a healthy way.  Another significant part of the process is stating your case without criticism or contempt.

So, when you are expressing your opinion, keep to “I” statements and away from ‘you’ statements.  Also, try to lead with your emotions which will give your partner a clearer idea of the impact the situation has on you. Then express your positive need, not want you don’t want but what you do want.

“How so?” you say

For example, if you say to your partner “You never clean up the dishes and I am sick of doing them myself” Your partner hears a criticism of their behavior, which often leads them to defend themselves, and then a statement about what you don’t want. The result, either you are feeling unheard or an argument begins or both.

You could try “It makes me feel resentful (emotion) when I notice that the dishes are waiting for me when I return from work and I would love if you did the dishes every other night (positive need)”.

This last example allows your partner to hear how you feel about the situation and what you are wanting to happen.  

Give it a try and see what happens.  Remember the aim is not to eliminate conflict from our relationships but to have healthy dialogue around the conflicting views.

If you feel you would benefit from relationship therapy, you can always reach out to me.

Is the glow wearing off the holidays as the beginning of a new school year ebbs closer? Or are you clinging on to the holidays and terrified of the prospect of what ‘back to school’ means for your kids?

My family and I have had a beautiful time together but I am feeling that the kids (and I) are ready to get back to school and have some structure, and have those lovely teachers help me again with the teaching of my kids (thank you to all teachers for the job you do, I know I couldn’t do it!).

For some kids they will transition smoothly into the new school year with excitement and ease, but for lots of kids, and parents, there will be trepidation about what is ahead. Acknowledgment and preparation can help.

It is December and silly season is upon us once again. For those of us who celebrate this holiday, some will be decorating houses, spending up a storm and “cheersing” (yep, I am making it a word) to Christmas merriment. But not everyone will be feeling festive and merry. For some, Christmas can be a time that highlights for them family frictions, isolation, financial stress, social anxiety or grief.

So, how can you look after yourself at this time of year? Firstly, know that it is okay if you don’t want to celebrate this holiday period. We all have a right to refuse invitations, choose not to put up a tree, choose not to partake in gift or card giving without explanation or apology.

If you find a particular aspect of the holidays hard then acknowledge this and look at what it is that causes you distress. That way, you can try to ask yourself what support you may need around the challenge.

For some, there is an air of mystery to therapy. There can be confusion about what the process is and the expected outcomes of therapy. What will the room be like? What will the therapist expect from me? Will they sit me down and demand to know the ins and the outs of my year in kindy? It can be daunting and enough to put some people off the process altogether.

Whilst I can’t tell you exactly what your personal journey will be, I can help offer you some insights into what will and won’t happen.

So, how about I shine some light on it for you? At least in relation to what will happen if you come to see me!

What we will do;

• We will meet in my office and you will sit wherever you want (including on the lovely green rocking chair). We will connect and converse for 60 minutes. The first few minutes of which will be completing the necessary paperwork.