R U “really OK?
Today is National R U OK? Day ! Tracy Proud , founder of Nest Psychotherapy & Counselling assisted NSW Government Our Regional NSW team with some guidance to some very important and some times life saving conversations. https://www.facebook.com/OurRegionalNSW/posts/171675121764860
Responses in full below and please join our Nest Therapists today at 3pm for a live free online session for more support and advice around R U OK? conversations….. Register via our website http://www.nestcounselling.com.au
What’s the best way to approach someone who is hurting and what if they don’t want to talk to you?
We are often taught that there are ‘bad’ and ‘good” emotions and when people feel ones from the ‘bad’ column, we should work to remove or change them. This can lead to us feeling uncomfortable about sitting with others, and even our own, feelings. It’s helpful to remember that all feelings are relevant and useful and it’s not helpful to push them aside.
Therefore, we can be nervous about approaching someone who is in pain. Being present when people are hurting can be uncomfortable or awkward, even triggering. Check in with yourself too, ask if you can be present for the person right now.
If you feel you can approach and sit with the person in a supportive way (this can often be as simple as just being with them) you could try to reach out gently by acknowledging what you notice and asking if they would like a friendly ear. You could say something like “I am noticing that you seem sad/scared/angry/hurt, would you like to talk? I can listen or offer help, tell me which you would prefer”.
If they don’t want to, just the fact that you have reminded them they are not alone can be comforting to them. You can ask what they DO need as not everyone likes to talk. They may want a hug, they may want to sit with someone silently, they may want a bowl of soup, or they may want a plan
What to do if things feel worse?
A reminder they can call on you or making a list of people they can reach out could be helpful. It may be people who are not connected to them personally but services like Lifeline; Twenty 10, Headspace etc.
You could also ask if they are okay if you check in on them again? Make a time for you to do this.
You can also do something simple and practical like suggestion a simple activity such as a walk, a bike ride, or a drink or a meal; some people may find comfort in others maintaining normality and not being treated differently. These normal activities provide a sense of safety for some and that may be enough for them to start a conversation.
How can people support each other in lockdown?
Lockdown affects everyone differently and we know for some, home is not safe, or home is not comfortable. The first thing I try to remind everyone is to have compassion for each other. Most people are struggling right now in some way or another. We may not be able to be our best selves right now.
Remember to work within our current restrictions/protocols, agree with them or not, they are there to serve an entire community and we must all try our best to keep ourselves and others safe.
Make plans with your loved ones over the telephone or zoom, as my colleague Amanda Robb of Joy Through Therapy says, “Physical distancing doesn’t mean social distancing.”
We are all allowed to exercise, so maybe take a walk and invite someone you think may need the company.
Some people just need someone to talk to, to remind themselves and other that they are not alone. Doing technology-facilitated activities such as watching TV or a movie together (like sharing screens) or prepping and cooking a meal together may feel like someone is keeping you company even if you don’t have to be talking the whole time
How do you navigate a difficult conversation with a loved one?
We are often practiced at talking but less so at listening. Remind them they are safe, and that you have no expectations of the conversation. Often people can feel they need to reassure us they are fine or that if they open up to us it will be important that everyone feels better afterwards. Try these steps.
- Make space for whatever comes, including that their pain or sadness is welcome.
- Don’t offer solutions or advice unless they ask for it.
- Validate their emotions, “it’s understandable that you feel that way” or “yes that would have been scary”
- It’s also completely okay to say “I’m not sure what to do or say, but I am here for you”
- Remember that you don’t have to find a solution; people sometimes just need a soundboard or someone to think things through. We are all equipped to make decisions that are best for us.
- If it’s something you’re unsure of, you can always suggest that you find out together or you can recommend speaking to someone who would be able to give them more information or support around the difficult questions or feeling they have.
When is a good time to have a meaningful chat with a loved one?
Create or wait for a time when it is just the 2 of you in case they require privacy. Also make sure it’s a time when you can be focused on them. Pick a time when you don’t have to rush away or you are in the middle of doing something else that requires a lot of your attention could be good.
You may even want to “schedule” a time with that person so you’re both prepared and in a headspace where you can both be present.
If I feel unhappy and alone, who should I talk to?
And when should I seek professional help?
When we feel lonely and unhappy, we are less likely to feel that people want to hear from us. Try to remember a time when someone has reached out to you or asked you for help. We can talk ourselves in to feeling we are a burden or that no one is interested but we also acknowledge that when our friends or family need us, we usually want to support them.
If there is someone that you know that you feel safe around, you could call them and ask if they have time to chat and that you feel you need a friendly ear. If this is not a possibility for whatever reason, you are not alone; there are services that offer support to people who are feeling this way.
There is no right or wrong time to reach out for professional help, but if you feel you have no options to talk things through with people close to you, or you have tried that and didn’t get what you were hoping for, please do book in to see an accredited mental health practitioner. You can visit a health provider, ask friends for recommendations, search social media threads for people’s experiences, or google and contact different practices to get a feel for who is right for you.
There are also crisis services that you can reach out to, a lot of services have online chat options now as well as phones.
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/
https://www.health.nsw.gov.au/mentalhealth/Pages/Mental-Health-Line.aspx
https://yourroom.health.nsw.gov.au/getting-help/Pages/adis.aspx
https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/contact-us
For more R U OK? Day Resources: https://www.ruok.org.au/every-day-resources
If you are struggling and have questions about our counselling services please contact us
